Every year I take the workplace harassment training. It didn’t dawn on me until this year that what happened to me at work 14 years ago was actually workplace harassment. What happened to me didn’t have to do with my race, gender, sexual orientation, nor religious beliefs.

Here was the first shock

14 years ago, I joined a marketing agency just next door to my house as a Vice President. In my first business trip to LA, a senior female partner (let’s call her Meredith) suggested to a bunch of us to play a game – Fxxx, Marry, or Kill. Meredith said, for every client we meet, let’s chat afterwards if we would fxxx them, marry them or kill them assuming we had only one choice.

I was speechless. No one else in the group seemed phased. It apparently wasn’t the first time this game was played. I didn’t partake in the game she suggested but I also didn’t say anything to anyone. I had only been at the company for a month.

Here was the second shock

This unfortunately wasn’t the worse of it. 2 months later, I was meeting with a key partner in another department. Let’s call her Kelly. Kelly looked at me with concerned eyes and said “I heard you are pregnant. Congratulations and happy to help you navigate.” While her words were kind, I was shocked. How did she know?

I was only 11 weeks pregnant then and didn’t plan to share with my company for a few more weeks. I did however tell one person at the company in confidence. That was the week before this meeting with Kelly.

I told Meredith my news confidentially. You may ask, why did I trust her after that first incident? Well, since then, she was extra nice to me and was offering to mentor me since there were fewer women in the agency. I was naïve and I believed her. So one evening, I asked her for confidential advice about how to navigate work while pregnant. I knew she was a mother herself. It was my first pregnancy and I didn’t know who to ask for advice. I explicitly told her not to share my news and she agreed. She was actually quite kind in her words that evening and gave what I thought was helpful advice.

I asked Kelly how she knew my news. She said well, Meredith was drunk on this last business trip to Seattle and blurted it out to a bunch of them at a business function party. I was again speechless.

What happened next

That week I decided to resign. It was not because I thought I was “harassed.” I didn’t think of it that way. Instead I just didn’t feel comfortable working there anymore. Between that discomfort and the discomfort of my first trimester, I was relieved to actually quit. I also knew I could go back to contracting part time at another company if I wanted to. What happened after was baffling.

My boss spoke to me to find out what happened and told me he supports me in whatever I wanted to do.
HR spoke to me and told me they wanted to make sure I was okay. They seems unnaturally nice.
HR shared that Meredith will be reprimanded for this and was vague on what that meant.
Then the president of the company asked to meet with me to express his concern toward my well being and asked me if I needed anything

What I realized now

It was all bizarre and at the time felt overly nice. I know now that all that happened because they were all worried that I would sue the company for workplace harassment. Meredith as a senior leader, not only harassed me but also violated my right to privacy under the HIPPA guidelines. She probably should have been fired right away and I probably also could have pursued a monetary settlement. There were likely more examples of harassment than just the one I experienced there.

I was too busy being pregnant for the first time to realize this. Frankly leaving that company just after 3 months was one of the best decisions I made in my career. I had a much smoother and relaxing pregnancy after that and I was able to go back to part time consulting work.

Perhaps that’s why I didn’t really think too much of it until this last training I took just last week. The training is from the new company I joined so the material was organized a bit more simply and effectively. What struck me was the statement that even a single incident can be workplace harassment. Even if the person didn’t mean to harass me, as long as I felt the discomfort, I have the right to file a complaint.

What are My Lesson Learned

I share this story because I don’t think these types of stories are shared very often. Did I feel victimized? At the time yes, but I had no idea my rights or my options. I just wanted to get out. In case you find yourself in a similar situation, I want you to be better equipped.

Know your rights – In my case, I didn’t know I was protected from discrimination at work while pregnant. Research online to better understand all your rights before taking any action. Here is a place to start. Also research your HR site to see the policy on this for your company. All companies should have workplace harassment policies. Some have confidential numbers you can call to get advice and report harassment as well.
Don’t trust HR – Human Resources are not on your side. Their job is to protect the company from law suits.
Get help and know your options – Every situation is different. Consult trusted mentors or even a lawyer on the matter to better help you assess the situation and your options.
Put your concerns in writing. If you decide to raise it with your manager, do it in a meeting and see what he or she says to advise you. Then send your manager a follow up email in writing. Write it as a thank you note for listening to your concerns and helping you manage it. Things in writing can protect you downstream, especially if you are not sure how your manager would react.
Decide for yourself what’s best – perhaps the best course is to just quit and put all of it behind you as soon as possible. I did that and don’t regret it. Not everyone have that option. If you need the income but is encountering a hostile work environment, then research how you can get help to raise a complaint and be protected from retaliation.

You are not alone

Just know that if you are experiencing any kind of workplace harassment, you are not alone and you can get help to protect yourself and your job. While I am not an expert in how to handle workplace harassment, I wanted to share with you my story to let you know it can happen to anyone. It’s not right nor fair but it still happens to the best of us. Thankfully at least in the US, we are protected by law against workplace harassment. If this story can help just one more person , then it was at least worth it for me to share it.

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Lei