Developing active listening skills is essential to improving your communication skills. How often do you find yourself zoning out or thinking about what to say next during a conversation, instead of listening? If you are anything like me, then the answer is probably everyday, even if it’s just for a few seconds.
This is a normal human behavior, as we have active minds. It’s also the challenge that keeps us from practicing great listening skills. Active listening skills are the foundations for effective communication. The challenge is practicing active listening skills in every important conversation.
Well, let’s start with the two key goals of active listening:
- Make sure you understand the content, nuance, and intentions of what the other person is saying.
- Make sure the other person perceives that you are listening to him or her.
Do you agree with these goals? If so, then active listening is more than just using our ears — we have to be present, we have to process what we heard to make sure we understood it, and we have to let the other person know that we heard them. Here are 4 tips on practicing and improving your active listening skills — today!
Tip #1 Be Confident and Present in the Conversation — Often times, we don’t listen well, not because we don’t want to, but because we are too busy trying to figure out what to say next, and we’re worrying about having something valuable to say. This is due to lack of confidence in ourselves, and a failure to be present with the speaker. When we worry about what to say next, we naturally won’t hear everything the other person is saying, and we’ll fill in the blanks with our own assumptions. This often happens in job interviews — we are so nervous about how to say why we are qualified that we don’t listen, and therefore don’t answer the question that was asked into interview. Obviously, this is counter-productive.
Practice: Do not think about what to say next while you are listening. Think about what you want to say next after the other person has finished speaking. Brief silence is okay in a conversation. You can also say “that’s a great question” to buy time. Also, don’t interrupt the person while they are speaking — that is a sure sign that you are not listening well.
Tip #2: Paraphrase What You Heard — Just because we are listening, doesn’t mean we can assume that we heard the other person correctly. This is where paraphrasing is important. Paraphrasing is repeating back in our own words (not verbatim) what the person said. Repeating what they said in our own words will demonstrate that we heard them, processed what they said, and are taking some time to make sure we are on the same page before moving forward.
Practice: After the person has finished talking, you can say something like “If i understood you correctly, you are asking me x y z. Is that right?…Let me see if I understood this correctly — are you saying x y z?” Wait for the person to nod or correct you before answering the question, or making comments about the statement.
Tip #3: Ask Specific Questions to Clarify — Another way to make sure we heard correctly and show we are listening is to ask specific questions when something we heard is unclear. This is not about saying ” I didn’t hear you. Can you repeat that?” No one wants to repeat everything they just said. Instead, we want to paraphrase what we did understand, and then ask a question about what we didn’t understand. It’s always better to ask questions than to assume that we know what they’re talking about.
Practice: Do not pretend to understand something when you don’t. You may think you are saving face or looking smart, but you won’t seem so smart in the long run. Instead, ask the person to clarify the part you didn’t get, after they are done speaking.
Tip #4: Show Non-Verbal Active Listening — Lastly, listening is also about sending the right non-verbal cues. People react to non-verbal cues as much as words. If we are leaning back, looking at the ceiling, but listening intently, the person still may not feel heard. We have to align our non-verbal cues to show that we are actively listening.
Practice: Lean slightly forward or sit in a neutral position when listening. Look interested. Don’t have your hands folded in front of your chest (even if the person you are speaking with is) – Keep your hands by your side or on the table. Make eye contact appropriately as you listen. Nod your head at times as you listen.
The above concepts are easy to understand. The challenge is remembering to practice them in every important conversation. Make a little note for yourself with these 4 tips, and look at them as a reminder before going into a conversation. It’s worth the effort, though — it is only when you are really listening to the other person can you hope to be heard.
Your comments: What is the biggest challenge you face in improving your active listening skills? Any there any other active listening tips you want to add? Add your comments below and let’s have a discussion.
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– Lei
Thank you for good tips to improve listening skills: I was going thought lot of trainings for communication and always the important thing is to listen. I am quiet person and can listen and listen :D. And then starts second problem: 1. If I am very quiet around people – it starts to be weird and if two or more quiet persons (in North side countries it is normal) then it is also weird. :D. And from this my opinion is that important is to start active conversation with little bit more on me concentrated speaking and then earn trust… Read more »
Good tips to improve listening
It Hard to Listen sometimes. I use move my body a lot to keep concéntrate on the speaker topic.
it is very hard to listen well. We are distracting from listening if we are any of these things
– bored at the subject
– stressed about something else
– anxious about what we will say next in this conversation and whether we sound smart
– disagrees with their point of view
Awareness of these distraction is the first step to active listening.
It also affects that the interventions are precise and concise, in order to avoid monologues.
Great tips about active listening skills.obviously it is very important that all the people who work in a team can apply these tips and improve our skills. thanks for sharing the article.
It is very typical to see in a meeting people who are sending messages or talking with other person; even there are persons standing frequently; so you realize there are not concentration or the speaker is no good for interesting the other people.
It is important all these tips for apply in a meeting.
This article is an important complement to apply today, for non-native English speakers. It is time to use it for our own benefit.
I think the biggest challenge for me is make eye contact because sometimes I get shy so easily.
Other tips: not seeing the time on your watch, not seeing the cell phone.
Thank you for the tips.
I guess the key to an effective listening is changing the way we focus it. Instead of giving someone the chance to speak, let’s think as if we were giving ourselves the chance to learn. Words are really powerful and full of intention. We don’t always realize that the way an individual speaks to us is also generated by our own behavior. If a topic or a conversation seems to be boring, it also depends on the listener to change it, if there’s feedback and interaction the conversation could be enriched and turn out to be a really enjoyable chat.
very insightful comments. thanks for sharing. totally agree. it takes two to make a conversation enriching and valuable. You have the power to inspire an enjoyable chat
Sometimes, if you speak other lenguage it is so dificult to hear everything, manytimes you lose in one word, trying to understand
Yes, when you are in an important conference, is impossible ask to the speaker “please, repeat”…
The biggest chanllenge for me is to think about the words I will say next. Most of the time I zone out when talking to someone and although I try to disguise it, it has happened to me that someone asks me something important and I just say “Yes”, without listening properly. It kind of embarrasing.
Now, I would like to know what is the difference between “to listen” and “to hear”.
Thanks.
the biggest challenge for me is thinking about what I want to say next after the other person has finished speaking. I have to wait to the end of speaking.
Simple principles, but powerful ones to be effective… i actually learned that this crazy war in my head in every important conversation it is not only me… but it is more common that i thought. i have a better idea about what things i need to keep on mind in every important conversation… Actually the biggest challenge to improve my effective communication is TO BE AWARE… Goshh… it is almost impossible to be aware of my own mistakes… maybe to slow down will help… hehehe… i could add… just to be relaxed, keep breathing and enjoy the ride! Thanks so… Read more »
I like to be looked in the eyes when I have a conversation.
I also use my hands and body language a lot in conversations.
Hey Makarenna,
Why is that? My mother gets angry when she talks to me and I do not look at her eyes. I know it’s important to make eye contact when talking to people, in fact, it shows respect for the one who is talking, but sometimes I am doing something important and I perfectly listen to what the other person is saying. And in my case, I don’t care whether people look at me when I’m speaking. But some people get really angry.
I’d like to know what you think about it.
i thought that i was the only person with inconfortable conversations because i didn’t know what to say.
Great tips to keep in mind when having a conversation. Personally my challenge is not to think in what I am going to say and obviously lose some attention on person speaking.
First congratulation. Great article. So, I think the biggest challenge To me is when I talk with other people and I am thinking before he or her finish in other matter. In fact, I am a little desconcentrated. Often times I must correct me into my mind to keep me hearding as well as I must.
Really appreciate this content of the article and how you gave practice which gives clear understanding.
For me biggest challenge comes when don’t understand technical jargon’s.
The biggest challenge I face in improving my active listening skills is to follow what the person says when that person is not a good communicator also – to have patience and to do not interrupt.
Angela, that is a common situation for us all. I think the best ways to listen to someone who struggles with communications are paraphrasing and asking follow up questions. – Paraphrasing forces you to summarize what you heard. you can use it to ask the person if you understood it correctly. This lets you understand and listen without demanding them to be better communicators – Asking follow up questions – help you guide them to communicate better. By asking questions to areas the other person didn’t proactively communicate, you take more control over the situation and can also get what… Read more »
Great tips!
My struggle is that I have a lack of patience, therefore, I always want to add something right away.
I have always found that if an employee will listen better and show interest if they are mentally prepared and excited about the topic. It is all about how to create interest and keep the interest going by keeping them engaged throughout the conversation.
I understand your points with active listening and I am practicing slowing down to practice them. I am finding making eye contact forces me to slow down and listen.
The biggest challenge i faced improving my active listening, was actually just when a boss or a authoritarian person start to talk, because they are the boss right, but has you write on the page, i understand that one of the more important stuff is to listen what are we talking about and don’t just assume that the other person understood what you said.
i Could add as fifth tip: Never miss the point of the conversation: its very important dont lose the main of the meeting because people is really good just changing the topic.
I understand and comprehended all your advice. I clearly agree the process of actively listening, and would appreciate any thing the manager has to say whether it be positive or negative. Just like you said you never know it could be a “promotion,” it could be advice which can elevate you while you are trying to move forward in your profession or career, even if he just wants to chat this can build a personal as well as professional relationship with your superior. I also, feel that it definitely showing good sign of respect by listening. After all everyone needs… Read more »
Valarie, thanks for commenting. That’s right. Active listening is always a sign of respect. It will only build your reputation and relationship whenever you make the effort to hear someone out.
Hi! I came to this website because it is included on the study resources of an English course that I’m taking on Coursera. I like this article and, to answer your questions, I think one of my biggest challenge on active listening was to really understand what some people want to say. I mean, sometimes I tried to understand what I heard and later paraphrase it but after this the person said something like “no, it was not what I said” even I’m sure it was. We continue talking and then I discover that I was right but the person… Read more »
Jonathan thanks for sharing your story. I think something key to realize is perhaps both of you are right and you just used different words to describe it. It’s important to not to prove you are right and they are wrong and more consider that by using these techniques you can uncover misunderstandings like you did in this situation. That’s the win in this interaction whether someone used the words you expected them to use or not.
Lei thank you for your reply. I’ve read your words twice and I realized how important is what you wrote about to use different words to describe something. As you wrote, perhaps we are right and this is only about the words we use to say it nd for that is neccesary to use active listening skills. Maybe we are thinking about complex things all the time and because of many things, we can’t realize what is behind our communication and this could lead a misunderstanding. Thank you very much for your words.
What do you do when you are trying these tips but dealing with a poor communicator? For example, someone who is providing a great amount of detail on their decision process, or over explaining why they are asking you to accomplish a certain task. I have run into this so many times in the work-place. A supervisor comes to me with a request and instead of stopping there, they continue on into this maelstrom of causation.
Kyle, great question. The best way to deal with it is by – Listening with respect – If your supervisor wants to talk to you longer after his request, you stay patiently and listen. Maybe he just want to talk to someone. He is paying you to be there. If he chooses to use that time by telling you details, then it’s their decision. Your manager is your gatekeeper in a career. this is one way to manage your relationship positively with your manager – paraphrasing – say something like “I want to make sure I understand. [then paraphrase what… Read more »