“I am not good enough yet.” That has been an inner voice of mine for about 40 years. I probably started saying this to myself when I was a kid. Whenever I came home with test scores, my mom would congratulate me but my dad would focus on the points I missed. Even if I got 97 out of 100, most of our conversation would be about what happened to those three points and how I could avoid missing them next time.
Somewhere along the way, I decided that meant I wasn’t good enough yet. I don’t remember consciously choosing that belief. I just accepted it and then spent decades trying to prove it wrong: Get into good schools. Get good jobs. Work hard. Get promoted. Keep improving. Keep achieving.
The complicated part is that it worked. “I am not good enough yet” gave me energy. It pushed me toward the next achievement and then the one after that.
I knew something about this wasn’t healthy, but I assumed that negative energy was part of what motivated me to succeed. So I let it eat me up inside.
There Was No Finish Line
Here is the bad news. After decades of working and achieving, I am fortunate to reach financial freedom and stop working full time. And I still didn’t feel good enough.
That has been painful to admit. Some part of me still believes I need to keep achieving to be worthy, that I need to perform to be loved, and that who I am today isn’t quite enough.
For a long time, I blamed my dad for starting this pattern. But I know that’s a cop-out. I am the one who has perpetuated it throughout my adult life. And now I am the only one who can change it.
Having more time has forced me to confront thoughts I could easily outrun when I was busy working. Without a job demanding my attention every day, my brain started asking:
- What am I going to achieve next?
- Am I productive enough today?
- Did I even do anything meaningful with my life?
- What is the meaning of my life now?
Apparently, I retired from work, but my brain did not. It was still running on the same operating system: My value comes from what I accomplish next.
The Question I Couldn’t Answer
Then I asked myself: What would I have to achieve to finally feel good enough?
I didn’t have an answer. At first, that made me sad. But as I sat with the question, I started to smile because I could finally see the absurdity of my own thinking. There was no achievement waiting somewhere in the future that would magically make me feel good enough.
I had put myself on a treadmill and spent decades running without ever deciding where the finish line was. No wonder I could never get there.
I also realized this feeling of not being good enough wasn’t just about work. I questioned whether I was a good enough parent, wife, daughter, friend, even whether I was good enough to myself. I could always find something I hadn’t done well enough or should have handled differently.
For years, I thought I needed to achieve so other people would value and love me. The harder realization was: I didn’t know how to value and love myself without achievement either.
I had made it almost impossible to feel proud of who I already was. ENOUGH!
A New Inner Dialogue
I don’t expect a thought I’ve practiced for 40 years to disappear. But I know I can stop automatically believing it. So when my brain starts telling me what I haven’t done or why I’m falling short, I am learning to ask myself a different question: What if what I am doing is enough?
It doesn’t mean I don’t want to grow or that everything I do is perfect. It means I don’t need to make myself feel bad in order to grow. Even considering the possibility feels peaceful.
It shifts my attention from everything I haven’t done yet to what I am already doing. I am imperfect. I will make mistakes. But I am also grateful to be alive and to have time as a parent, wife, daughter, friend, and a vibrant 54-year-old woman figuring out how to live life again.
After decades of believing I had to be good at everything I tried, I also want the freedom to experiment.
- To try things I might be terrible at.
- To spend an afternoon doing something that accomplishes absolutely nothing.
- To make mistakes without turning them into evidence that I’m not good enough.
Maybe that’s what getting off the treadmill looks like. 🙂
What If You Are Already Doing Enough?
I am sharing this because I know I am not the only one who struggles with feeling not good enough. I know so many high achievers who are also incredibly hard on themselves.
We can accomplish ten things and spend our energy thinking about the one thing we didn’t do well. We call it ambition. We call it high standards. And yes, sometimes it helps us succeed. But there is a price to constantly focusing on who we haven’t become yet.
So maybe ask yourself the question I am learning to ask myself: What if what I am doing is enough?
We can still grow tomorrow. We can learn from your mistakes. We can have ambitions and dreams. But let us also celebrate what we are already doing well and who we already are!
Let’s Talk
Does any of this resonate with you? What would change for you if you believe what you are doing is already enough? Join me on Substack and let’s talk about it. I am always in your corner.