It may sounds simple to say – always ask for what you want. However I know it’s hard to do. I still struggle with it and I am supposed to be good at it being a soft skills coach. 🙂 The reason I know it’s hard is I still have so many inner thoughts that try to dissuade me from asking for anything.
- “I don’t know what to ask for”
- “What will xxx and yyy think of me if I asked”
- “How do I ask for it so it doesn’t come off too strong”
- “What’s the point, I probably won’t get it anyways. It is easier just to not ask.”
Sound familiar?
Ask Anyways Despite These Thoughts
I share this with you to let you know you are not alone. We all have these limiting thoughts. These thoughts never go away even if we are super experienced and capable. They will always be there in our head to try to keep us “safe and comfortable.”
That’s perhaps the bad news. The good news is you can take action and still make the ask despite these voices in your head.
If You Don’t Ask You Don’t Get – My Examples
I have asked for many things in my career that I thought were impossible to get. Still I asked anyways and was pleasantly surprised by the outcome.
- 15 years ago, I was injured and thus couldn’t work on the computer for more than a few hours a day. I struggled on how to say no and thought I needed to quit. I agonized for a week about what to say before I even made that call. Then I decided to ask for what I needed. I told the consulting partner that I was not able to handle his ask given my injury. I thought he would be angry or disappointed. To my surprise, he said “okay, I still rather have your brain on this for 10 hours than someone else full time.” He then asked for what I needed. I told him I needed a team of people so I can guide them on what to do and help that way. To my surprise, he agreed on that same call.
- Five years ago, I asked for a job that didn’t even exist. However I knew it was needed and I could do it. The first answer I got was no and even worse she said her answer was unlikely to change. I was disappointed and almost gave up. Three months later however she came back to me and said let’s talk. Things for her changed for the worse in this area. She then better understood my proposal for this job and how I could help her and the company. Six months later, I landed my dream job as the Head of Identity Management Innovation.
- 12 months ago, I started having discussions with my manager about the possibilities of a promotion. I laid out my reasons and qualifications. While my manager understood my reasoning, he said he probably cannot do anything soon and asked me to be patient. I proceeded to bring it up again gently 2 more times. I was later promoted about 4 months ahead of year end review cycle.
Am I lucky? Perhaps. More importantly, I have had a lot of practice asking for what I want. Does it get easier over time? Unfortunately no. Each situation and person I speak with are different, so I still get all the limiting inner dialogue each and every time. What I do know however is if I don’t ask, I am guaranteed not to get what I want, so it’s better to go for it every time.
How to Ask for What You Want at Work?
There is an art to the ask. It cannot be an ultimatum. It cannot be all about you and why you need it. Here are 5 tips on how you can ask for what you want and feel good about it.
Tip 1: Set the stage. it’s important to create context for your ask and ease the listener into it. Here are a few examples of how to approach this.
- “I have something difficult to discuss with you and would like your support. Can I schedule some time to get your input?” This prepares the person for a difficult conversation and many times people are relieved as the actual ask turns out to be much less difficult than they thought.
- “I always appreciate your advice on my career. Can I run something by you and get your insights?” This is less direct. Even if the person is the decision maker, you are approaching him or her with more of a draft than a hard ask.
Tip 2: Be clear and specific. A clear and specific ask sounds like a solution and not a problem. For example, “I want to work more remotely.” is NOT a good example. It’s too vague and leaves the listener with the problem of having to guess what you mean. Instead say, “I would like to work remotely 100% of the time and only come into the office as needed.”
Tip 3: Always explain why your ask is good for the company as well as you. Explain all your reasons why you should get what you are asking. You should definitely practice this as if you are not convinced by your own rationale then you cannot convince others either. Some examples you can use
- Efficiency and effectiveness – for the example of asking to work remotely. Quote how long your commute is if you have to go into the office. Those are hours you could be working to make more progress on your work instead.
- Qualified and Fairness – for the promotion I asked for, I stated that everyone reporting to him is one level above me, except for me. I told him I believe I am just as capable as his other directs. I asked my manager if he agreed and he did. Thus, I believe I should be promoted to the next level.
- An ally vs an adversary – Never make the person that you are asking the bad guy. In the case of my asking for the promotion, I didn’t blame him for my current level as he wasn’t the one that hired me into that level. I re-organized into his team. So I approached him for help vs demanded the promotion.
Tip 4: Be detached from the outcome. It’s important to make your ask regardless of the answer from the other person. This will build your confidence and build your skills in making the ask. As you can see in my examples above, I got more “No” in the first try than “Yes.” You may experience the same. Now that you planted the seed of what you want, you have to give it time to grow.
Tip 5: Be persistent. Last but not the least, be persistent. Getting what you want usually take more than one conversation and a bit of time. If at first you get a no, ask what would make it into a yes. That will give you some clues on what you can work on. Once you have worked on it, you can make the ask again. Also keep thinking about why what you are asking is good for your manager and the company. Make sure you are clear in articulating that each time you make the ask.
Practice Makes Perfect…
Does doing all the above guarantee you will get a yes to your ask? No! I can never guarantee that. However, there is a baseball analogy I like to use. If you don’t step up to the plate and take your swing, you will never get a hit. That’s guaranteed!
In summary,
- Know that defeating thoughts will always be there in your head. It’s okay to have them.
- Make your ask anyways despite these thoughts. Use the tips above.
- Even if you don’t get what you ask for, you will learn a bit more about yourself and the company and your manager by making the ask.
- Practice makes perfect. Asking anything new will be uncomfortable. However, you will learn something each time you do it and you figure out more ways to make the ask as you practice.
Here is another good article on this topic.
Your comments: What is that something you want at work but are too afraid to ask? Will you now try to make the ask? I look forward to your comments
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Best wishes!
Lei