On March 10, my employer, silicon valley bank, collapsed overnight. I was dealing with it okay, but I guess the universe thought I could take on more. There is a common saying, “trust that the universe will only give you what you can handle.” I hope so, but I am not as sure as I go through this next wave of personal challenges on top of the work ones.
March 22 was an Important Date
From a work standpoint, March 22 was the original deadline for bidding offers for our bridge bank. March 22 was also the date when the fed announced their rate hike of 25 basis points. However, neither of these were the reasons this date was important to me.
On March 22nd, my dad also had a doctor’s appointment to check if his prostate cancer is back. He had surgery 14 months ago and we have been monitoring it ever since every 3-6 months. I thought I was prepared to hear that his cancer is back. I was wrong. Hearing it directly from the doctor’s mouth was a “hard punch in the gut,” one that hurt much more than any of my work news.
It was sobering. While intellectually, I knew this was a possibility, I still wasn’t as prepared emotionally.
US Medical Care Sucks!
I think what made this worse was my dad’s current urologist, who did his surgery showed little empathy and provided limited time and options for my dad during this most recent visit. All he said was since his PSA doubled again, my dad should go on hormone therapy. My dad immediately refused and said he felt fine. Typical denial response. Then, to my shock, the doctor said, okay then, you can choose to monitor and come back in six months. What?!
When we pushed him on what is the impact of that, he said what this means was the cancer can mutate and spread. What?! When we asked what about the side effects of taking Hormone therapy? He said well he will have hot flashes, fatigue, risk of fracture, etc… Wow what great options!
We opted to not decide on that visit. All I knew in my gut was he was no longer the right doctor for my dad. We needed a doctor that cared about my dad’s specific health situation and not just give canned answers or was rushing to leave.
How do I find the right next doctor? I wasn’t sure, but I knew I will do my best. This became the most important task for me above all work matters. I didn’t trust that the urologist would make a good recommendation. All his office recommended were the oncologists that located in the same building. They emphasized proximity as the value of their referral. We didn’t need proximity. We needed expertise.
The Storm Continued to Build
While this was going on, our family was exposed to two different families who were tested positive for Covid. Both of my kids and I then got sick one after another over the next 3 weeks. It turned out not to be Covid but Flu A – high fever up to 104 F, vomiting, and major body pain. Lovely!
Alexis, my younger daughter got it first, then me, then Isabel, my older one. On top of that, Alexis anxiety around throwing up came back in full force. Thankfully she has already been seeing a therapist for this for the last six month; however, actually having to threw up because she was sick was miserable for her and worrisome for me.
Lastly, Isabel came home with high fever two days before we were supposed to go on vacation to Club Med Cancun. We didn’t know if we could still make it.
Let’s just say the five weeks between the collapse of SVB to the morning we flew out to Cancun was full of stress, uncertainty, discomfort, and fatigue – “a storm that kept pouring with seemingly no end in sight.”
And then there was Sun and Healing.
Thankfully, the “storm” did end. By Saturday morning, April 8, Isabel no longer had a fever. I was also mostly physically healed and we flew out to Cancun. It was a long flight with a terrible layover in Mexico City, but it was the beginning of sunshine and relaxation.
Also by the time I flew out to Cancun, I was able to find a good oncologist for my dad to see at MD Anderson Cancer center. I found this oncologist after much research on the Internet and with friends. I helped my dad booked another set of tests and the appointment was set for the week I return from Cancun. I didn’t know for sure this doctor would be better but I did my best. I knew I can at least rest for a week and find out when we meet him after I return.
It was 80 degrees, humid, sunny, and beautiful at Club Med Cancun. We ate well, enjoyed the shows, did lots of activities – Trapeze, aqua-fit, yoga, paddle-board, snorkeling, pingpong, etc, and also danced our hearts out at night. Isabel enjoyed hanging out with her new friends at Teen Club. I enjoyed my time with my best friend from business school. It was the much needed escape I needed from my everyday life. I am thankful to hubby who stayed home and took care of my younger one who still had school. Our kids have two different spring break schedules.
Everything can heal with time and persistence
I am sharing my own life drama to let you know you are not alone. If you are also going through a hard time because of work or life or both, you are not alone. There is beauty at every age; but there are also new challenges at every stage. I am lucky to have some financial security now, but these new challenges are perhaps harder for me.
Life for the “sandwich” generation is hard. I am part of the sandwich generation – adults who may have ailing parents, teenage kids, complicated work situations, and also our own physical changes as I turned 50 last year. I am just starting to learn how to manage this new set as my life gets more complicated.
Change is the only certainty. While I had an awful 5 weeks just now, it too passed and I was able to really enjoy my time with Isabel and with my friend and her daughter in Cancun. What ever you are going through, you can handle it. It is true – life doesn’t give us anything we cannot handle. I really wasn’t sure how to handle everything at once but so far I got through it. My mental fitness practices helped me a lot as well as the support of my husband and friends. I am thankful.
What’s Next?
We ended up having a good appointment on April 18 with the new oncologist. He was patient, caring, and also super knowledgable. It is clear he was trying to care for the whole patient and not just my dad’s cancer. My dad’s 79 and our aim now is to try to figure how he can best live with this for the next 10 years. That alone gave us all hope.
What this doctor shared was also much more logical. Let’s look at my dad’s full physical condition, genetics, and history as well as also try to ping point where exactly the cancer is to determine the best possible treatment options. As every treatment has side effects that may control the cancer but also kill his overall health, we are now on a good path to find data to figure out what would be the best course that may give him the best 10 more years of life. I cannot ask for more than this. We are still waiting for tests, but at least there is a logical path to follow.
During this time, my employer also was acquired by First Citizen Bank. We are for now all employed for the foreseeable future. There is of course still a lot of uncertainty but at least my team is safe with their jobs. And ironically, this uncertainty at work gave me a bit more time to manage my complicated life situations. I am just taking it one day at a time. At least the sun is back also in San Francisco. Weather is finally warming up enough for us to use our backyard again. It’s really the small things in life that makes me happy.
I hope this post gives you hope. Whatever you are going through right now, it will pass and you can get through it and be better off on the other side. Big hugs and best wishes!
Your comments: How are you coping with your life or work uncertainty? I look forward to your comments or any advice for me as well
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Lei