Real stories

Going on Maternity-Leave – How to Build My Work Reputation

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Just because you are going on maternity leave, doesn’t mean you are okay to be forgotten related to your accomplishments for the year. It is still important for you to remind others what you have done prior to leaving. It is also possible for you to do this even when the important project you are leading won’t be finished yet. But how do you do it tactfully? ...  read more

How to Handle a Difficult Situation as a New Manager

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New manager

A member asked me this question recently and agreed that I can share. Let’s call this member – Alex. I really appreciated how much detail Alex shared in his questions. I was able to better guide him toward how to best resolve this difficult situation as a result. Here is Alex’s situation and our email exchanges. Thank you Alex for agreeing to share this. ...  read more

It’s Time to Re-evaluate Your Priorities – Ask Yourself 4 Questions

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I received shocking news last week. I found out a dear friend and colleague was diagnosed with aggressive spine cancer. It was a complete surprise to him and his wife. I couldn’t believe it until I confirmed it with “Henry” directly.

Henry just retired and is only in his sixties. He is one of the most positive people I have ever met. Underneath an initial tough exterior, Henry is like “Grandpa Santa Claus” – he laughs with his belly; he gives great hugs, and he can stay calm under the most stressful circumstances. ...  read more

Is it Better to Be the Fastest in a Slow Group or a Slow one in a Fast Group?

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For the last 5 years, I have been running the 15K hot chocolate run with a friend. We have been late to start the race for the last two years so ended up running with folks that are much slower than our speed. As soon as I crossed the start line, I started passing people left and right. At first, it was a great feeling, but then I started getting blocked to run any faster as there were simply too many walkers. ...  read more

Are You Listening to Those Whose Communication Style are Different from Yours?

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are you listening to those whose communication style is different

I realized I am probably not listening well to those whose communication style are opposite that of mine!  My 10 year old daughter, Isabel, made me realized this lately.   I am a pretty fast talker who will inadvertently interrupt others when I get excited about a subject. Isabel, on the other hand, is the exact opposite.  She can pause as long as 30 second or a minute before speaking her next sentence.

Here is one of our latest conversations

Me: So what happened? You don’t look as excited or as happy as I would expect after a first water rafting trip with your friends?    How was it?
Isabel: It was okay. [silence]
Me:  Did something happen?   You look dehydrated.   Was it not fun?   Did you get hurt?  Was it cold?
Isabel [frustrated]: You never listen to me…I don’t want to talk about it..
Me: [complete dumbfounded] But you haven’t said anything….
Isabel [she lets out a ‘ugh”]:I was still thinking about what to say.
Me: [staring … thinking]: How was I supposed to know that?  You were completely silent
Isabel:  [she lets out a another ugh and stopped talking. ]

I have had about 3 or 4 conversations like this with Isabel in the last few months.   Of course, every mother daughter relationship naturally has conflicts as she is getting older and into her rebellious age.   The repeat pattern of our conversation however made me realize that perhaps she was right in some respect.  Maybe I wasn’t listening, at least not the way she was expecting.

Here is what I learned so far. Hope this will not only help me connect better with Isabel but also improve my ability to listen and communicate with colleagues that communicates differently than me.   When it comes to people who are what I consider a more “deliberate, slow” communicator, I need to remember the following.

  • Let there be silence.  Silence to a speaker like Isabel doesn’t mean she is done.  She may very well be thinking how to phrase her next sentence.   What I tend to do naturally is fill silence with more questions and words.  That interrupts her thinking process and to her, I am aggravating her as “I am not listening.”  It seems that way to her even though I was speaking after she is silent.
  • When speaking, keep it short and open ended.  I was also peppering Isabel with many version of the same questions.  She would receive it better if I just keep it simple – “Are you okay? Can you tell me what happened?”  and stop there to let her decide.  When I ask more questions, I am just frustrating a slow talker like her and convincing her to say nothing more.
  • Listen with the intent to understand vs the intent to reply.  I think I do have this intent with Isabel.  My intend is to understand, but because I am not used to such long pause, I end up coming across more aggressive to her than I realized.  To her, any interruption from me or not pausing to wait through a bit of silence meant I wasn’t listening to her.

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    Aim Low and Get Somewhere – Aiming to Write the Crappiest Article Ever Written :-)

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    This video clip motivated me to write and finish this article.   It is from a Netflix movie I just watched called “Set it up.”  While the movie is so-so, this 1 min clip is funny, practical, and inspiring.  It helped me get over the writer’s block I have had for a month.  More importantly, it will help you get unstuck if you are feeling overwhelmed at the moment.

    I have had trouble finishing any articles in the last month.   Partly it’s because work has been all consuming, and partly it’s because I have been putting too much pressure on myself to write the perfect article.   I have rewritten the intro to a few articles for a few weeks now.   Every week I didn’t publish something just made me pressure myself more to make sure the article I finish is extra insightful and helpful.   I was literally over-analyzing every sentence.

    I realized now that I was trying too hard to please when in fact the reason I started writing this blog was because it is therapeutic.  The reason these articles may help you is because my stories are like yours – fulls of up and downs – mistakes and learnings.  

    It is exhausting to try to perfect anything.  it is never an inspiring goal and actually makes everything we try to do feel like WORK we never want to do.   This blog is not supposed to be work for me.  It is supposed to heal me and perhaps you if you can relate.  So the timing of this movie clip was perfect for me.

    Once you see this 1 min clip – you will understand the title of this post.    Here is some context.

  • Harper, the one crying in the clip, wants to become a sports journalist.
  • She has been working day and night for 3 years as an executive assistant for Kirsten, the most accomplished sports writer in the industry.
  • Harper wants Kirsten to help her with her writing but Harper hasn’t written a single article since she started work there.
  • Now that she has time, she still cannot finish her first article
  • Becka in the clip is Harper’s best friend who gives her some very sound advice to get Harper unstuck.

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    How to Become an Extraordinary Leader – 3 Unexpected Lessons

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    When I was nominated for a leadership training at work, I was honored but skeptical I would learn anything substantial.   I am glad however to be proven wrong.  In the last five months, I have learned more about my leadership style and leadership brand than I had ever expected.   Even better, I am already applying what I learned at work and seeing results.  Here are the three unexpected leadership lessons I learned about how to become an extraordinary leader.

    Lesson #1: Extraordinary leadership is about strengthening our strengths vs. fixing weaknesses

    Growing up Asian, I always thought to become extraordinary I must eliminate all weaknesses – i.e. score 100 on tests, get all As, and be a perfectionist at work.  In the last 20 years of work, I learned to stop being a perfectionist.   However, I still heavily focus on learning what I am not good at as a leader and put a lot of energy into fixing those.

    It was refreshing to learn at this training from Zenger Folkman that becoming an extraordinary leader is about strengthening my strengths vs fixing weaknesses. There is no perfect leader.  Steve Jobs is a great example of this – a dynamic, visionary leader and a terrible people manager.    The whole concept actually makes a lot of sense, as no one really can be good at every aspect of leadership.  Just like a company must focus on its core strength vs trying to be all things to all people, a leader also needs to follow the same concept.  It’s better for me to pick a few leadership qualities that I am already strong at and make that stand out above all else.  That’s what will differentiate me as a leader.

    This leadership lesson is quite freeing for me.  I realized I don’t have to change who I am or overwhelmed myself with “fixing everything.”  All I have to do is tweak a few things in my leadership style to make it even better.  For example, I am already a high achiever and gets results wherever I work.  I also collaborate well with teams and partners.  What I need to tweak is my communication style in some difficult situations.   I know how to do this in some circumstances but not all.   Selecting this as something to focus on is both achievable and will make a significant difference in my leadership effectiveness

    Lesson #2: It’s okay for an extraordinary leader to announce ourselves and show vulnerability

    I learned this from one of the leadership speakers at our training.  I really appreciated her direct communication style, confidence, and simple wisdom.   She shared that it’s okay to announce yourself to your team and partners.   For example,

  • Let them know what I expect from them as they newly join my team (e.g., I expect you to ask questions if you don’t understand something.  Otherwise, I will assume we are on the same page)
  • Let them know If i am having a challenging day (e.g., I am feeling impatient today)

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