I grew up believing “If I cannot do it well, I shouldn’t do it at all.” Perhaps this is a typical Asian upbringing and teaching. I am not even sure my parents actually said that to me. However after receiving many “talks” from my dad about how I could have gotten a better grade on a test (e.g, 100 points vs 93), I think I told myself the above as I don’t want to “disappoint” my dad or get an extra long lecture.
Impact of this Belief
As a result, I have been afraid to take big risks in my life, due to the fear that perhaps I cannot do it “well”. I also grow up believing that it’s embarrassing to do something poorly. I should be ashamed if I do something poorly. The combination of these two beliefs have led to much self-doubt or self-punishment when things “don’t go as well” as I would like. It’s an exhausting way to live. Until I learned about mental fitness 4 year ago, I actually didn’t realize I can change what I believe. I thought my beliefs to date is what led me to success. I realized now that I also paid a big price in unnecessary stress and missed opportunities.
How is that for baggage from my childhood? We all have them. It’s time to face mine and also to drop them where they belong, in the past.
It’s Time for a Change
I am not going to live forever. After turning 50, I think about my mortality a lot more. I am also questioning long standing beliefs that I have had. I have always been a learner. Why not look at every opportunity just as a learning opportunity. No matter what happens, I will learn something.
This is easier said than done. I grew up with expectations. At first they are from my parents when I was younger, but then I inherited the habit for the last 30 years. I have high expectations of myself in every thing I do. As a result, I am trapped in the cycle of possible self doubt and disappointment. I don’t want to live my life afraid to try new things. What’s the worse that can happen? “Fail?” Isn’t it better to have tried and failed than not to try at all?
I know all this, but changing 30 years of default thinking and habit will take time. I plan to take a micro-step towards it.
My First Micro-step – Give myself permission to do it Imperfectly
With this lens and the lens of a learner, I can say yes to more opportunities and try more new things. I don’t know why this has been such a hard concept to execute on, but it has. I realized what’s the most important to me in life is live a happy and content life and not one that is constantly judged by me or others on whether I achieved against an arbitrary expectation or not.
I came across this quote on the left from my Headspace practice like a month ago. I have been thinking about it ever since. I want to discover my purpose in life and free from expectations. My starting point is I am giving myself permission to do “it” imperfectly and see what happens. Will I open my mind to new possibilities if I don’t have to do it “well”? I am excited to find out as I explore my true purpose in life.
Will you do the same for yourself? Will you also give yourself the permission to do anything imperfectly? Better late than never. I wish you a happy and content life.
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Best wishes to a life of purpose and contentment.
Lei